I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Chemical wingman
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.