I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.