I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
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When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck