I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
You Might Also Like
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
So sick of all these stupid rules
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again