@TravLeBlanc: I'm a failure as a sociopath. I'm just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I'm more of a so-sopath.
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@TuffyNyC: I'm responsible for the deaths of 100's local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!
@jordan_stratton: WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym. ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I've been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
@thepunningman: Robocop: I am Robotcop Criminal: You don't say the t you robo moron R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
@envydatropic: So many people say "if my memory serves me correctly" and I'm actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory.......