I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.