@TravLeBlanc: I'm a failure as a sociopath. I'm just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I'm more of a so-sopath.
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@envydatropic: Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
@imadepoopstoday: Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
@thedad: [wakes up to crying in the night] Wife: can you go check the baby Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
@SamuelHLowe: Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.