I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.