I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
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Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.