I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
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Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
A huge thanks to the person that did this
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me irl
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?