@Gooooats: "I'm a feminist," he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.
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@hazelmotes1: *gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*
@hippieswordfish: WAITER: what can i get you ME: what do you recommend WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat
@heatherlou_: I tell my child, "10 minutes till bed!" She hears me say, "Go put on a Halloween costume." Why?