Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Received some very disappointing news today
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog