[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
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Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Jurassic park gets weird
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Need this in my life lol
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.