I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
You Might Also Like
We’ve all been there…
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Waiting for the Charmin
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus