Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
You Might Also Like
The dark side of Canada
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area