I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
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them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.