I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
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When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*