waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
that de-escalated quickly
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Love this one 😂🧟
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.