One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
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My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Worth a try
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).