My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Something Saturday.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night