“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I’m giving up for Lent.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
get you a girl who
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes