“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The Assassin.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.