‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Ghost costume 😂
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy