*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Day 4. They suspect nothing.