“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?