@Not_James_Vogel: I'm a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
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@dxblarssonENG: Job interview: " if you want the job lick the floor" -what? -lick the floor if you want the job *licks floor* Eww gross, can't hire that guy
@msbhaven81: I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
@FauxFawx: *calls 911* Hey, I found some big guns. *Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
@Bizarro_Mark: Do not tell a kid you didn't understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.