@Not_James_Vogel: I'm a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@XplodingUnicorn: I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.
@thebabylady7: Me: Man, I'm exhausted! I'm going to get a good night's sleep tonight. Toddler: hold my sippy cup
@realHamOnWry: Cat: What are you doing? Me: Reloading my bong Cat: You really need it? Me: I know my limits, why? Cat: You know cats can't talk, right?