I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
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The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Animal poetry
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.