I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
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probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.