I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Dear Lord..
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…