I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.