I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
You Might Also Like
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
yes… yes…
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.