I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower