I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
my astrological sign is a french fry
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
How is it still this week?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher