@TravLeBlanc: I'm a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I'm your man.
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@patrickmarkryan: If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
@dafloydsta: [at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have? ME: *leans in close* I'd prefer human
@mayamanion: Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
@Dani_Feld: All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet. I'm basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.