I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
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Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down