I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
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An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.