I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
pelicons
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.