Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
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Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
everyone has that one prude friend
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite