@sixthformpoet: I'm a man trapped outside a woman's body.
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@AndyAsAdjective: ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I've gotten too drunk WIFE: I've been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
@truegritrumble: ME: *pulling up my pants* What's the prognosis, Doc? DOCTOR: You've got cancer. ME: WHAT?! DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I'm not a doctor.
@WhiskeySoured: Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. - watching the Olympics with my wife