How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
You Might Also Like
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts