My astrological sign is KFC gravy
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Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh