@FilthyMacrame: I'm a man who hates rocks *smashes a rock with a sledgehammer* oh great I just made like a thousand more rocks
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@hurlarious: [INT. STARBUCKS - DAY] Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom Barista: ? Me: A large rat Barista: ? Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
@JessObsess: I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
@bobvulfov: [audition for a vampire tv show] ME: as u can see in my headshots, i'm a vampire CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos ME: exactly