@FilthyMacrame: I'm a man who hates rocks *smashes a rock with a sledgehammer* oh great I just made like a thousand more rocks
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@daemonic3: ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins? KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins! ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
@danjan13: Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
@SonOfCha: Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
@shutupmikeginn: [my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys