Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
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Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
everyone has that one prude friend
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
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“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?