@MyPornKhan: I'm a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I'm not allowed to be offended by anything.
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@thatdutchperson: [trying to sleep] Me: ok, just breathe and relax. Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
@_ElvishPresley_: Me: I'm sort of a chicken magnet Him: Don't you mean chick magn- *sounds of distant bawk-bawking* Me: We have to go NOW
@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of Mother's Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.