Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Just a reminder, folks:
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.