I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.