CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.