You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
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Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.