I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.