I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
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Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!