I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
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There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”