@meganamram: I'm a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
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@DanMentos: me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god
@goodballs: Call me crazy but you can't follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.
@Sam_From_Kansas: This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.