@meganamram: I'm a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
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@DurtMcHurtt: People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
@kyry5: At a business meeting: "How about SuperCupid?" "No, expectations will be too high" "GreatCupid?" "Lower" "Uhhh, OKCupid?" "Brilliant"
@pleatedjeans: Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend: honey he can't even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP
@KevinFarzad: If you like someone and don't know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you're cute.