I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
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I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?