@meganamram: I'm a real Renaissance Woman (riddled with plague)
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@DamienFahey: Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?
@moose_chocolate: For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.
@TheNaique: Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
@suzieQ0007: People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are! Criminals: I'll need 3 rolls of duct tape.