I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
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My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
God making man in his image was the original selfie