I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
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If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Does beer think about me too?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”