@slennonhugs: I'm a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that's why I decided to let these bees live in my skull
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@Mikecanrant: "YOU'RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!" - I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
@pudding_club: The year is 1981. Everybody's working for the weekend. 2044: the weekend becomes sentient. 2048: Everybody's working for the weekend.
@robdelaney: Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week :(
@jasonlight73: I like to cover my tracks by ending all my Google searches with the word "hypothetically"